A bit of a primer on Aspergers:
Aspergers is an autism spectrum disorder. Being a spectrum disorder means that there are people who are very mild and can pass for a "quirky normal", and people who are very visibly "off". It's not an excuse to act like an asshole, but it helps for normal folks (we call them "neurotypicals" or NT's) to realize that the actions often aren't intentional and that the "aspie" may not realize that they have offended you.
Aspergers is classed as a developmental disorder. It is not a mental illness, and it does not come with cognitive limitations. Aspies aren't stupid, but because they often don't understand the ways things are phrased to them if they are not completely straightforward people often mistake them for being a bit dense. Aspies work best with straightforward phrasing that doesn't require making inferences on so-called "common knowledge".
Aspies don't have the innate ability to recognize body language, facial expressions, and tone. NT's pick this up when they are small children and are able to do it pretty much without thinking for the rest of their lives. Aspies have as hard a time reading these subtleties as an average person would have, say, doing a complex math equation. For this reason, when they are tired, stressed, or overwhelmed they may come accross as blunt, rude, or cold because they don't have the extra energy to put into appearing "normal". It doesn't mean that they don't care or feel like a normal person, just that they have a hard time expressing it like a neurotypical.
People with aspergers are not amoral. I actually had a person say, when I explained to them about Aspergers "oh, like a psychopath". Psychopaths have no concience and cannon feel for or love others. Aspies, true to their simplified view of relationships, are often intensely loyal to their friends. They are also very sensitive to the hurts and wrongs in the world, which is why it troubles them when people think they are being deliberately mean or hurtful.
Aspies often excel at pattern recognition (hence that stereotyped "rain man" sort of character). This may mean that they find things fascinating that others don't get. It's not better, it's just different. For instance, they might find entertaining wordplay in conversation, or see number patterns in everyday life. However, we are not all "savants" with some sort of bizarre ability to tell how many jellybeans are in jar at a glance or do complex math equations at the drop of a hat.
We haven't got the foggiest idea how to play the "social game". Manipulation, hinting, talking around the subject, leading. If you do it don't be surprised if we don't get it, we'll probably just take the literal interpretation and be blissfully unaware that there was another message we were supposed to take away.
So, some tips for everyday life:
1. If I phrased something in a particularily offensive way (eg: at your age, considering where you are, etc.) it wasn't meant to be as bitchy/catty as it sounded. Aspies suck at choosing appropriate words on the fly and just tend to blurt out whatever pops into their head at the time. It's not an indicator of their true feelings/opinions.
2. If I blather on at length and hog the conversation it's probably just because I'm not comfortable around you yet. It takes aspies a while to overcome their nervousness and remember how to be socially appropriate. Remember, its not something that comes naturally so it's awkward at best.
3. If you aren't sure how I meant something, please feel free to clarify. "Are you saying that...." and then whatever you perceived. Remember, there is no "between the lines". I speak literally, and if I want something I will just ask straightout. I try to be polite and respect the social rules, but I really don't know the majority of them.
4. Sometimes I just get burnt out. If I am immersed in a social situation where there is a lot of unspoken communication that I don't get I may just have to disengage. It's like trying to participate in a conversation in fluent Mandarin when all you know is enough to get around as a tourist.
5. I'm not big on being touched. I don't mind a hug from a friend, but I'm really not comfortable with a lot of the other stuff because I have no idea what to do in return. I just tend to be hands off. I assume that most people don't want their personal space invaded anyway.
6. I'm openly friendly and treat everyone pretty much the same. Because I tend to babble on openly with acquaintances, this often gets mistaken for flirting. It's not, and if you respond like it is you're likely to get a pretty shocked response.
7. There isn't an ulterior motive when I say something nice to you, or do something for you. I'm just trying to be a nice person and hoping that you'll be nice back. Try to think of it like a dog or cat: if you are nice to them and don't hurt them they will like you. It's that simple.
8. My speech often comes out sounding overly formal. I have a hard time knowing how to respond in most social situations so I rely on a narrow script of appropriate responses. They won't always be the most clever thing and often sound wooden or rehearsed but they keep me out of trouble. Without them I am bound to respond with a total non-sequiter or say something "weird". I'm just trying to interact normally without alienating myself from others. When I was in school I learned that standing out was a recipe for getting bullied, and the grown up world hasn't turned out to be much different.
9. When I use big words I'm not trying to show off how smart I am, or prove that I'm better than you. I read a lot and have a large vocuabulary. These are the words that come into my mind as I am speaking because they are the words that I think in. Having spontaneous conversations is stressful and stress decreases your ability to think and adapt. You know how most people get nervous talking in front of a large audience or to a very important person? I have that level of nerves talking to anyone. I can't "just stop being nervous" because I am in as uncomfortable a situation as you would be in were you in the aforementioned examples. I'm trying, but it's a long process.
10. I'm not fishing for, or hinting at something. It's my impression that when a lot of neurotypicals say something they want the other person to react in a certain way. There is apparently an appropriate reply, action, or something but I'm usually not certain what it is except for the few I think I've managed to nail down. I've seen people get quite puzzled when I make a comment and try to guess at what it is I'm trying to say. Heres the novel part: everything I'm trying to say, I've said right out there in the open. You don't need to read between the lines, interpret, or infer anything. I remember a former boss basing a whole conversation on things that she had incorrectly inferred from "reading between the lines" of what I was saying. She was reading things into completely blank airspace....theres simply nothing there, but she refused to believe that. What I say is what I mean. Thats it.
Of course I should point out that all of the above does not encompass every person with aspergers. It's a rough idea of what to expect, nothing more. Like anyone else, a person with aspergers is an indivuidual with their own behavior and socialization habits.
Aspergers is an autism spectrum disorder. Being a spectrum disorder means that there are people who are very mild and can pass for a "quirky normal", and people who are very visibly "off". It's not an excuse to act like an asshole, but it helps for normal folks (we call them "neurotypicals" or NT's) to realize that the actions often aren't intentional and that the "aspie" may not realize that they have offended you.
Aspergers is classed as a developmental disorder. It is not a mental illness, and it does not come with cognitive limitations. Aspies aren't stupid, but because they often don't understand the ways things are phrased to them if they are not completely straightforward people often mistake them for being a bit dense. Aspies work best with straightforward phrasing that doesn't require making inferences on so-called "common knowledge".
Aspies don't have the innate ability to recognize body language, facial expressions, and tone. NT's pick this up when they are small children and are able to do it pretty much without thinking for the rest of their lives. Aspies have as hard a time reading these subtleties as an average person would have, say, doing a complex math equation. For this reason, when they are tired, stressed, or overwhelmed they may come accross as blunt, rude, or cold because they don't have the extra energy to put into appearing "normal". It doesn't mean that they don't care or feel like a normal person, just that they have a hard time expressing it like a neurotypical.
People with aspergers are not amoral. I actually had a person say, when I explained to them about Aspergers "oh, like a psychopath". Psychopaths have no concience and cannon feel for or love others. Aspies, true to their simplified view of relationships, are often intensely loyal to their friends. They are also very sensitive to the hurts and wrongs in the world, which is why it troubles them when people think they are being deliberately mean or hurtful.
Aspies often excel at pattern recognition (hence that stereotyped "rain man" sort of character). This may mean that they find things fascinating that others don't get. It's not better, it's just different. For instance, they might find entertaining wordplay in conversation, or see number patterns in everyday life. However, we are not all "savants" with some sort of bizarre ability to tell how many jellybeans are in jar at a glance or do complex math equations at the drop of a hat.
We haven't got the foggiest idea how to play the "social game". Manipulation, hinting, talking around the subject, leading. If you do it don't be surprised if we don't get it, we'll probably just take the literal interpretation and be blissfully unaware that there was another message we were supposed to take away.
So, some tips for everyday life:
1. If I phrased something in a particularily offensive way (eg: at your age, considering where you are, etc.) it wasn't meant to be as bitchy/catty as it sounded. Aspies suck at choosing appropriate words on the fly and just tend to blurt out whatever pops into their head at the time. It's not an indicator of their true feelings/opinions.
2. If I blather on at length and hog the conversation it's probably just because I'm not comfortable around you yet. It takes aspies a while to overcome their nervousness and remember how to be socially appropriate. Remember, its not something that comes naturally so it's awkward at best.
3. If you aren't sure how I meant something, please feel free to clarify. "Are you saying that...." and then whatever you perceived. Remember, there is no "between the lines". I speak literally, and if I want something I will just ask straightout. I try to be polite and respect the social rules, but I really don't know the majority of them.
4. Sometimes I just get burnt out. If I am immersed in a social situation where there is a lot of unspoken communication that I don't get I may just have to disengage. It's like trying to participate in a conversation in fluent Mandarin when all you know is enough to get around as a tourist.
5. I'm not big on being touched. I don't mind a hug from a friend, but I'm really not comfortable with a lot of the other stuff because I have no idea what to do in return. I just tend to be hands off. I assume that most people don't want their personal space invaded anyway.
6. I'm openly friendly and treat everyone pretty much the same. Because I tend to babble on openly with acquaintances, this often gets mistaken for flirting. It's not, and if you respond like it is you're likely to get a pretty shocked response.
7. There isn't an ulterior motive when I say something nice to you, or do something for you. I'm just trying to be a nice person and hoping that you'll be nice back. Try to think of it like a dog or cat: if you are nice to them and don't hurt them they will like you. It's that simple.
8. My speech often comes out sounding overly formal. I have a hard time knowing how to respond in most social situations so I rely on a narrow script of appropriate responses. They won't always be the most clever thing and often sound wooden or rehearsed but they keep me out of trouble. Without them I am bound to respond with a total non-sequiter or say something "weird". I'm just trying to interact normally without alienating myself from others. When I was in school I learned that standing out was a recipe for getting bullied, and the grown up world hasn't turned out to be much different.
9. When I use big words I'm not trying to show off how smart I am, or prove that I'm better than you. I read a lot and have a large vocuabulary. These are the words that come into my mind as I am speaking because they are the words that I think in. Having spontaneous conversations is stressful and stress decreases your ability to think and adapt. You know how most people get nervous talking in front of a large audience or to a very important person? I have that level of nerves talking to anyone. I can't "just stop being nervous" because I am in as uncomfortable a situation as you would be in were you in the aforementioned examples. I'm trying, but it's a long process.
10. I'm not fishing for, or hinting at something. It's my impression that when a lot of neurotypicals say something they want the other person to react in a certain way. There is apparently an appropriate reply, action, or something but I'm usually not certain what it is except for the few I think I've managed to nail down. I've seen people get quite puzzled when I make a comment and try to guess at what it is I'm trying to say. Heres the novel part: everything I'm trying to say, I've said right out there in the open. You don't need to read between the lines, interpret, or infer anything. I remember a former boss basing a whole conversation on things that she had incorrectly inferred from "reading between the lines" of what I was saying. She was reading things into completely blank airspace....theres simply nothing there, but she refused to believe that. What I say is what I mean. Thats it.
Of course I should point out that all of the above does not encompass every person with aspergers. It's a rough idea of what to expect, nothing more. Like anyone else, a person with aspergers is an indivuidual with their own behavior and socialization habits.
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