Complainers and Manipulators

We've all run into them in our workplace, personal life, even family. I started thinking of this because of a post on a group for childfree people (people who don't want children). Of couse, choosing not to have children is recipe for conflict and a lot of people buckle under the pressure from their family simply because it's easier and (they wrongly hope) will create less conflict. Maybe sometimes it works, but if you have a control freak for a parent, you end up a scenario like this:

 

My parents are experiencing their first grandchild (through my brother). After pressuring me intensely to have one, it's interesting to see how they really are with the new baby and how they treat my brother and SIL over it.
My mom lives near my brother, so seems to get plenty of time seeing the baby. She has been critical of their parenting styles, rather than understanding of their struggles. I thought my brother and SIL would be the golden ones after providing the grandchild.
My dad lives an hour away from them, and lately when I talk to him he complains a lot about not getting to visit enough. They can only handle visitors on the weekends now, because they've both gone back to work and the baby is in daycare already. This last weekend my dad wanted to visit, but they had too many other plans. My Dad said it's been a few weeks since he's seen the baby, and he's worried the baby won't recognize him anymore. He huffed, "I don't have any grandparent rights to see him,". My grandmother has been feeling slighted in various ways ever since the birth, and I think their relationship is actually worse now than before they had the baby.
It's just so ironic because I know my brother wants to please all of them so much, and I'm sure he was counting on them being really grateful to him and proud of him, but to me it seems like a lot more of complaining and dissatisfaction. I kind of feel bad for him. Here he's working so hard to support his new family, and no one seems to be very supportive or understanding of how hard it is. It's really been an eye-opener as to how if you give in to the pressure, thinking that your family will be proud and finally satisfied with you, it just opens the door to all sorts of new complaints and pressures. You really have to want a baby for yourself, and not to satisfy others (i.e. grandparents). It's making it a little easier for me to ignore their bingoes, because now I see how they really act once you give in.

Admittedly, this is mild compared to a lot of stories that I have heard from others or witnessed myself. People pressure you to do something, then complain the whole time that you're not doing it right. The catch here is that they don't actually care what you are doing, but only that they are controlling your actions. Once you give in to one thing, they have to find something else to continue feeling that they have control over you so essentially it is a never ending cycle.
Most everyone feels a little out of control about the world that we live in. As animals, we need to feel that we have control over at least a few concrete things in order to feel safe. Think of how your cat or dog thrives on routine and gets upset when things change and you'll have an idea of what I'm talking about.
The more insecure and mentally unbalanced a person is, the more they try to manipulate and control the things and people around them to try and assuage their insecurity. They play social games, terrorize those around them with bullying, and generally try to wrest control from others in any way they can. Sadly, it's a road to misery as it's not really solving the underlying problem. Much like taking morphine for pain, once the effect of one perceived triumph wears off you have to immediately "score another hit". Ever notice how enternally miserable and unhappy these people are? Even their triumph at "winning" is cold, bitter, and ultimately joyless.
I refuse to enter into these sorts of relationships any more. I simply don't have time to cater to these peoples insecurities. They are egocentric, as is human nature to one degree or another, and you are a pawn to them. It's not really malicious, but it is extremely difficult to empathize enough with an indivudual person that you can "see through their eyes" without taking your own interests into account. Ultimately, it is the nature of the beast to look out for number one, and thats not necessarily a bad thing. It is, in fact, the core of our survival instict and not something to be disposed of entirely. You just have to keep it in mind when you are dealing with other people, and understand where they are coming from in order to make the best decisions for yourself.

Tips for Dealing With Your Aspie Friend

A bit of a primer on Aspergers:
Aspergers is an autism spectrum disorder. Being a spectrum disorder means that there are people who are very mild and can pass for a "quirky normal", and people who are very visibly "off". It's not an excuse to act like an asshole, but it helps for normal folks (we call them "neurotypicals" or NT's) to realize that the actions often aren't intentional and that the "aspie" may not realize that they have offended you.

Aspergers is classed as a developmental disorder. It is not a mental illness, and it does not come with cognitive limitations. Aspies aren't stupid, but because they often don't understand the ways things are phrased to them if they are not completely straightforward people often mistake them for being a bit dense. Aspies work best with straightforward phrasing that doesn't require making inferences on so-called "common knowledge".

Aspies don't have the innate ability to recognize body language, facial expressions, and tone. NT's pick this up when they are small children and are able to do it pretty much without thinking for the rest of their lives. Aspies have as hard a time reading these subtleties as an average person would have, say, doing a complex math equation. For this reason, when they are tired, stressed, or overwhelmed they may come accross as blunt, rude, or cold because they don't have the extra energy to put into appearing "normal". It doesn't mean that they don't care or feel like a normal person, just that they have a hard time expressing it like a neurotypical.

People with aspergers are not amoral. I actually had a person say, when I explained to them about Aspergers "oh, like a psychopath". Psychopaths have no concience and cannon feel for or love others. Aspies, true to their simplified view of relationships, are often intensely loyal to their friends. They are also very sensitive to the hurts and wrongs in the world, which is why it troubles them when people think they are being deliberately mean or hurtful.

Aspies often excel at pattern recognition (hence that stereotyped "rain man" sort of character). This may mean that they find things fascinating that others don't get. It's not better, it's just different. For instance, they might find entertaining wordplay in conversation, or see number patterns in everyday life. However, we are not all "savants" with some sort of bizarre ability to tell how many jellybeans are in  jar at a glance or do complex math equations at the drop of a hat.

We haven't got the foggiest idea how to play the "social game". Manipulation, hinting, talking around the subject, leading. If you do it don't be surprised if we don't get it, we'll probably just take the literal interpretation and be blissfully unaware that there was another message we were supposed to take away.

So, some tips for everyday life:
 1. If I phrased something in a particularily offensive way (eg: at your age, considering where you are, etc.) it wasn't meant to be as bitchy/catty as it sounded. Aspies suck at choosing appropriate words on the fly and just tend to blurt out whatever pops into their head at the time. It's not an indicator of their true feelings/opinions.

2. If I blather on at length and hog the conversation it's probably just because I'm not comfortable around you yet. It takes aspies a while to overcome their nervousness and remember how to be socially appropriate. Remember, its not something that comes naturally so it's awkward at best.

3. If you aren't sure how I meant something, please feel free to clarify. "Are you saying that...." and then whatever you perceived. Remember, there is no "between the lines". I speak literally, and if I want something I will just ask straightout. I try to be polite and respect the social rules, but I really don't know the majority of them.

4. Sometimes I just get burnt out. If I am immersed in a social situation where there is a lot of unspoken communication that I don't get I may just have to disengage. It's like trying to participate in a conversation in fluent Mandarin when all you know is enough to get around as a tourist.

5. I'm not big on being touched. I don't mind a hug from a friend, but I'm really not comfortable with a lot of the other stuff because I have no idea what to do in return. I just tend to be hands off. I assume that most people don't want their personal space invaded anyway.

6. I'm openly friendly and treat everyone pretty much the same. Because I tend to babble on openly with acquaintances, this often gets mistaken for flirting. It's not, and if you respond like it is you're likely to get a pretty shocked response.

7. There isn't an ulterior motive when I say something nice to you, or do something for you. I'm just trying to be a nice person and hoping that you'll be nice back. Try to think of it like a dog or cat: if you are nice to them and don't hurt them they will like you. It's that simple.

8. My speech often comes out sounding overly formal. I have a hard time knowing how to respond in most social situations so I rely on a narrow script of appropriate responses. They won't always be the most clever thing and often sound wooden or rehearsed but they keep me out of trouble. Without them I am bound to respond with a total non-sequiter or say something "weird". I'm just trying to interact normally without alienating myself from others. When I was in school I learned that standing out was a recipe for getting bullied, and the grown up world hasn't turned out to be much different.

9. When I use big words I'm not trying to show off how smart I am, or prove that I'm better than you. I read a lot and have a large vocuabulary. These are the words that come into my mind as I am speaking because they are the words that I think in. Having spontaneous conversations is stressful and stress decreases your ability to think and adapt. You know how most people get nervous talking in front of a large audience or to a very important person? I have that level of nerves talking to anyone. I can't "just stop being nervous" because I am in as uncomfortable a situation as you would be in were you in the aforementioned examples. I'm trying, but it's a long process.

10. I'm not fishing for, or hinting at something. It's my impression that when a lot of neurotypicals say something they want the other person to react in a certain way. There is apparently an appropriate reply, action, or something but I'm usually not certain what it is except for the few I think I've managed to nail down. I've seen people get quite puzzled when I make a comment and try to guess at what it is I'm trying to say. Heres the novel part: everything I'm trying to say, I've said right out there in the open. You don't need to read between the lines, interpret, or infer anything. I remember a former boss basing a whole conversation on things that she had incorrectly inferred from "reading between the lines" of what I was saying. She was reading things into completely blank airspace....theres simply nothing there, but she refused to believe that. What I say is what I mean. Thats it.

Of course I should point out that all of the above does not encompass every person with aspergers. It's a rough idea of what to expect, nothing more. Like anyone else, a person with aspergers is an indivuidual with their own behavior and socialization habits.

The Following Are Not Words (and other pet peeves)

Orientate.
I have to hear this one all the time. So lets get in straight:
Orient: "I have to orient to the unit".
Orientation: "I am attending orientation today".
Oriented: "the patient is alert and oriented".
One would think natural human laziness would cull those unnecessary last letters, but apparently not.

Irregardless.
It's regardless. Irregardless tacks a negative onto the word that shouldn't be there.

Could care less.
Do you mean COULDN'T care less? Maybe you mean to tell me that you are somewhere in the middle ground of ambivalence where you could care less or more. If indeed you are incapable of caring any less about said subject/person/thing you COULD NOT care less.

Infer vs. Imply
Infer means to draw a conclusion based on evidence that you have gathered. Quite a different action than implying.
I INFERRED from the bloodied knife in his hand that he was up to no good.

Welcome

Just starting out and learning to use this new blogging format. I used to keep a webpage 12 years ago, but things have changed since then! Lets see if my old brain can muddle through the new technology.....

I'm a high functioning aspie living in western Canada and working as a nurse in a large hospital. I have to admit, I don't understand this world a lot of the time. I always tell people when I have completely failed to grasp a social situation "look, I'm not from your planet...."
It would be easy if aspies got along with and understood each other, but have you ever tried getting a bunch of people with aspergers together? I've never actually seen it happen, but I assume it would be an awkward gathering of people not looking at each other and making a lot of non-sequiters.
So of course, everyone has got to wonder how the heck I ended up in a profession like nursing. Suprisingly, I get along great with the patients because the nurse-patient relationship have prescribed limits and roles. The rules are clearly laid out, the relationship starts on the same level with pretty much everyone and terminates when the person is discharged. Where I tend to get caught up is the progression of relationships: telling when a person actually wants to be friends and when they are just being nice for whatever reasons.
I'm hoping that my writings will be beneficial to other adults with aspergers who are out trying to work and function in a neurotypical world.